Queue of Frustration

I'm sorry if this blog sucks. Nature itself has rippled back from a time in the distant future, through the make-up of time and space, to prevent me from writing anything interesting. It appears what I'm trying to write will cause a great cataclysm in the future and Nature is trying to save itself.

I hate it when people use lame excuses for why nothing seems to go as they claim. It is an especially heinous crime in the science community.

If you have been following the building and implementation of the Large Hadron Collider, an enormous particle accelerator, outside of Geneva, you know its operation has been uninspiring at best. But when asked about why they thought the 27 km (16.8 mile), multi-billion dollar ring of dysfunction wasn't operating as planned, the response from physicists Dr. Holger Nielsen and Dr. Masao Ninimiya was... uhhh... that they had mathematical proof that Nature itself is trying to sabotage the accelerator in an attempt to prevent the scientists from discovering the theoretical Higgs Boson particle.

Evidently something bad happens in the future and Nature has "rippled back through time" to stop the LHC from creating the Higgs Boson particle. Dr. Neilsen stated, "In the case of the Higgs and the Collider, it is as if something is going back in time to keep the universe from being hit by a bus."

Remember, it was these same scientists who called colleagues which believed that the accelerator could create residual black holes lunatics, saying they were nothing more than uneducated doomsday prophets.

Hhhmmmmm...

Guys, if you are gonna make fun of someone for "outlandish claims," don't insist Doc is using his Delorean to screw with your school project.

Oh, and if you really believe Nature is trying to save us from something you are doing, then why are you still attempting to do it?

"While it is a paradox to go back in time and kill your grandfather, physicists agree there is no paradox if you go back in time and save him from being hit by a bus."

I'm still waiting for Future Nature to stop Michael Bay from making another movie. Or, better yet, how about stopping Hollywood from trying to reform every great memory from our collective childhood into a Canadian B-movie with lots of big-breasted explosions and flashy women... errrr... what not.

If Nature really wants to save us all, then it should do something to prevent future generations from thinking G.I. Joe is a United Nations task force for stopping the spread of STD's so powerful the French have their Tower disintegrate.

"The chair is against the wall, the chair is against the wall. John has a long mustache, John has a long mustache."

While I'm on the subject of remakes, why on earth would anyone want to revamp the 1984 movie Red Dawn? I guess this go-around the movie centers on a group of Rocky Mountain teenagers fighting a guerrilla war to avenge their dad's health insurance.

What goes up, must come down. But, what never goes up... must be hiding in the garage somewhere.

Because the world needs another reality show to fill the void left by such gems as Amish in the City and Fraternity Life, it appears the Heene family of Colorado launched their now famous "experimental" balloon in order to elevate their national spotlight. Adding to the ridiculousness of the whole situation is the fact that they actually had a television network agree to a reality show featuring them if they pulled it off. If the family's appearances on Wife Swap and the various news interviews are any indication, it appears that their show would involve a lot of yelling, the throwing of random objects, toothless threats, and unbackable statements. In other words, a lot like the WWE... just a lot more fake.

"I'm gonna let you finish... but Jimmy Carter had one of the best Peace Talks of all time!!!"

The only thing more bizarre than a guy winning the Nobel Peace Prize based on political promises made for an election campaign and not a life time of achievements is seeing someone die trying break into an emergency response center. Yep, it happened.

A woman in Idaho called in a fake car accident to 911 while standing outside of an emergency center, in hopes that the emergency personnel would respond, leaving the building open and unmanned. The plan worked, and the emergency vehicles sped from the premises towards the phoney address. But, when the woman tried to enter the building through the garage, the huge doors dropped down on her, crushing her. Still alive, she then calls 911 again in hopes to be rescued... by the very people she sent away. Needless to say, help arrived a little late.

The official means of death was listed as blunt-force irony.

"Okay, Okay, I'll roll over! You don't have to bark at me!"

Is it just me, or do Paris Hilton's pets control her instead of the other way around. She started an international man hunt when her old dog went missing and now she's getting a pig. I wonder how long it will take Paris to find her first truffle...

I'm sorry if this blog sucked. I really wanted to help my readers out, so I taught them how to run a prostitution ring without getting caught by authorities. Now the government is pushing ACORN to fire me before I get to help anymore.