Daily Disconnect

Though my Body may be:
Causing me pain in my lower back.

My Mind is:
Thinking of how awesome it will be  to go trick-or-treating with my daughter tomorrow.

Daily Disconnect

Though my Body may be:
Extremely exhausted from staying up way too late last night.

My Mind is:
Focusing on playing Borderlands with my wife again tonight.

Queue of Frustration

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Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this blog in no way endorses a belief in the occult. – TouchedbyCokeNinja


I’m sorry if this blog sucks. I’ve been trying to find out a way to make the blog more trendy, but realized the new cool thing was to be six-feet-under. Ironically, I have an extreme allergy to both death and popularity.

Why are people so obsessed with dead celebrities? With all the hub-bub over people after the fact, its no wonder millions contemplate suicide each year.

From Elvis Presley (who apparently spawned millions of clones upon his last breath) to Heath Ledger (who’s career didn’t officially start until the coroner filed his report), folks love them some dead people.

Case in point: Michael Jackson

The man hasn’t been dead but a few months and the guy already has a “new” single and a movie coming out. He is apparently “touching the lives” of millions of people after having not touched anyone over the age of 12 in the last 10 years.

Humans all over the world have been doing the Thriller dance in hopes that the zombified remains of their hero would join them in their grim necromantic ritual. Stranger yet, Billy Jean, evidently, really is his son and, as it turns out, is a witch doctor capable of bringing the dead back to life.

Oh, and get used to the Thriller zombie being the common theme at your Halloween party this year.

Unfortunately, the fervor over the non-living doesn’t stop at the gates of Neverland Ranch. We now have History Channel shows dedicated to what famous dead people really looked like. Even Facebook has stated it is going to enshrine individuals’ profile pages after they die.

With growing unemployment, I wouldn’t be surprised to see people offer celebrities the chance to be killed for a small fee. Seeing as it will only help the pop wonders make even more money off of rabid fans ( albeit posthumously), Celebrity Executioner might actually become a worthwhile profession until the number of living celebrities takes a dip.

Call me unphased by the idea of the popular dead. But, then again, Jackson’s Ultra-Smooth-Zombie-Dance-Form would probably say that I’m “ignorant” and full of “hurtful words…”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Fox News will never hurt me.

In an amazing show of self-confidence, Orwellian Wonderpuss Nancy Pelosi stated on Keith Olberman’s commentary show on MSNBC recently that she was bringing a bill before Congress that would prevent the Fox News Channel from covering Congressional Sessions or even mentioning Congress all together. Apparently she doesn’t like the opposition getting to voice their opinions, regardless of whether they are right or wrong. “That Fox regularly grants access to Republican Congressman to spread their lies and propaganda on their airwaves is a violation of the public trust... They should thus be stripped of their journalistic access in the halls of Congress,” Pelosi ranted.

So, silence them for presenting views contrary to yours. Wait, who's the propaganda machine? I'm confused.

I guess it makes sense considering White House Communications Director Anita Dunn’s personal heroes are Mother Teresa and… Mao Tse-Tung???? It seems our fine friends in the current administration have resorted to the Daily Show method of news coverage: “When news breaks, we fix it.”

That’s just wrong, man. Like, forcing-Dan-Quayle-to-spell-potato wrong.

While we are politicking it up, you might like to know former president George W. Bush, after having finished his maximum second term in January, is doing just fine and is fulfilling his life’s destiny as a… motivational speaker? Yep, he is tearing up the moti-scene giving advice to people at conferences across the country. I guess it should come as no surprise. We are talking about a guy who motivated his political base to keep him in office in 2004. So, we at least know he’s better than his father.

I hear that, for just $5, you can have him pep talk your kindergartner… “Don’t wurry, Timmy. I can’t pronuncify that word eether.”

“There is no ‘I’ in ‘Team,’ but there is a ‘We’ in ‘Weapon.’”

Where are the great throwback costumes for Halloween this year?

There are tons of Transformer costumes from the new movies, but what about the originals and other Old School robotics?

I’m still waiting for a feasible Voltron costume. And not a single person costume either. No, I want to see five people be the four appendages and torso. Bonus points if they can join together.

Also, It has the added bonus of being the best costume idea for quadriplegics. They have the upside of going to a Halloween party as unfinished Voltron. They could just tell everyone they’re waiting for the other four lions to get there.

“You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.”

Anyone see Zombie Strippers? Anyone? Didn’t think so. Somehow, the thought of seeing a movie where soulless women live off of men they seductively lure in is not that appealing as a work of fiction.

Zombieland, on the other hand, will put laughter in your heart and your girlfriend/fiancé/wife in your lap… a rewarding film if you ask me.  It definitely has my vote for best zombie film ever. Anytime you can pull off a cameo like [SPOILER CENSORED] in there, you have an amazing formula.

I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum… and I’m all out of gum.

It’s Halloween folks. If you’re not blasting away at zombies on your gaming console, then get out and scare the living day lights out of some children. Their psyches are easier to manipulate than a Wii-mote.

I’m sorry if this blog sucked. I was going to declare the H1N1 Virus as a Blogwide Emergency, but then I realized it was Halloween and not April Fool’s Day.

Daily Disconnect

Though my Body may be:
Crapping itself into oblivion. (Oh, no. I hope that wasn't my appendix just then...)

My Mind is:
Planning out my skill set for when I start playing Borderlands tonight.

Daily Disconnect

Though my Body may be:
Having a relapse from Blackberry withdrawals since I left my cell-phone at home.

My Mind is:
Soaking in the trickle and pitter-patter of the rain outside, while watching the droplets flow down the office window.

Daily Disconnect

Though my Body may be:
Rotting in my desk chair while my eyes are being burned through by an LCD screen.

My Mind is:
Drifting into a chilly Alpine morning, listening to the wind pass over the mountain top, and taking in the icy beauty that surrounds me.

Queue of Frustration

I'm sorry if this blog sucks. Nature itself has rippled back from a time in the distant future, through the make-up of time and space, to prevent me from writing anything interesting. It appears what I'm trying to write will cause a great cataclysm in the future and Nature is trying to save itself.

I hate it when people use lame excuses for why nothing seems to go as they claim. It is an especially heinous crime in the science community.

If you have been following the building and implementation of the Large Hadron Collider, an enormous particle accelerator, outside of Geneva, you know its operation has been uninspiring at best. But when asked about why they thought the 27 km (16.8 mile), multi-billion dollar ring of dysfunction wasn't operating as planned, the response from physicists Dr. Holger Nielsen and Dr. Masao Ninimiya was... uhhh... that they had mathematical proof that Nature itself is trying to sabotage the accelerator in an attempt to prevent the scientists from discovering the theoretical Higgs Boson particle.

Evidently something bad happens in the future and Nature has "rippled back through time" to stop the LHC from creating the Higgs Boson particle. Dr. Neilsen stated, "In the case of the Higgs and the Collider, it is as if something is going back in time to keep the universe from being hit by a bus."

Remember, it was these same scientists who called colleagues which believed that the accelerator could create residual black holes lunatics, saying they were nothing more than uneducated doomsday prophets.

Hhhmmmmm...

Guys, if you are gonna make fun of someone for "outlandish claims," don't insist Doc is using his Delorean to screw with your school project.

Oh, and if you really believe Nature is trying to save us from something you are doing, then why are you still attempting to do it?

"While it is a paradox to go back in time and kill your grandfather, physicists agree there is no paradox if you go back in time and save him from being hit by a bus."

I'm still waiting for Future Nature to stop Michael Bay from making another movie. Or, better yet, how about stopping Hollywood from trying to reform every great memory from our collective childhood into a Canadian B-movie with lots of big-breasted explosions and flashy women... errrr... what not.

If Nature really wants to save us all, then it should do something to prevent future generations from thinking G.I. Joe is a United Nations task force for stopping the spread of STD's so powerful the French have their Tower disintegrate.

"The chair is against the wall, the chair is against the wall. John has a long mustache, John has a long mustache."

While I'm on the subject of remakes, why on earth would anyone want to revamp the 1984 movie Red Dawn? I guess this go-around the movie centers on a group of Rocky Mountain teenagers fighting a guerrilla war to avenge their dad's health insurance.

What goes up, must come down. But, what never goes up... must be hiding in the garage somewhere.

Because the world needs another reality show to fill the void left by such gems as Amish in the City and Fraternity Life, it appears the Heene family of Colorado launched their now famous "experimental" balloon in order to elevate their national spotlight. Adding to the ridiculousness of the whole situation is the fact that they actually had a television network agree to a reality show featuring them if they pulled it off. If the family's appearances on Wife Swap and the various news interviews are any indication, it appears that their show would involve a lot of yelling, the throwing of random objects, toothless threats, and unbackable statements. In other words, a lot like the WWE... just a lot more fake.

"I'm gonna let you finish... but Jimmy Carter had one of the best Peace Talks of all time!!!"

The only thing more bizarre than a guy winning the Nobel Peace Prize based on political promises made for an election campaign and not a life time of achievements is seeing someone die trying break into an emergency response center. Yep, it happened.

A woman in Idaho called in a fake car accident to 911 while standing outside of an emergency center, in hopes that the emergency personnel would respond, leaving the building open and unmanned. The plan worked, and the emergency vehicles sped from the premises towards the phoney address. But, when the woman tried to enter the building through the garage, the huge doors dropped down on her, crushing her. Still alive, she then calls 911 again in hopes to be rescued... by the very people she sent away. Needless to say, help arrived a little late.

The official means of death was listed as blunt-force irony.

"Okay, Okay, I'll roll over! You don't have to bark at me!"

Is it just me, or do Paris Hilton's pets control her instead of the other way around. She started an international man hunt when her old dog went missing and now she's getting a pig. I wonder how long it will take Paris to find her first truffle...

I'm sorry if this blog sucked. I really wanted to help my readers out, so I taught them how to run a prostitution ring without getting caught by authorities. Now the government is pushing ACORN to fire me before I get to help anymore.

Never left... just hiding.

I've been away for sometime now. Not that anyone is following me... or cares. But, I am back and ready to present more whimsical musings.

PREPARE TO BE...

...ABSTRACTED!!!

PARAM,BAILOUT,-1... What?

PARAM,BAILOUT,-1 is a line of code sometimes (and begrudgingly) used in the input code for a Finite Element Analysis in various engineering analysis programs.

Often times, a FEA model will have an error and a solution to the model will not converge, thus rendering it as unsolvable. This is when the engineer goes into the generated coding for the analysis and manually inputs the code line PARAM,BAILOUT,-1 in order to force a solution. The line of code basically forces the analysis program to exit an error filled iteration when encountered and continue with the analysis until it reaches a solution.

The answers generated from an analysis using the code line PARAM,BAILOUT,-1 are, to say the least, not accurate. But, the answer does usually show anomalies in the locations of errors, thus aiding the engineer in finding his mistakes.

So, that's right folks. Whenever an engineer has an analysis with a solution which will not converge, he can just press the "Easy Button."

...PARAM,BAILOUT,-1.

It's a nice tool, but one that could be abused.

Think about it...

The boss is reviewing your work for the past year and is considering your raise options. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to you, he knows that your the one who's been stealing Post-Its from the supply cabinet...
...PARAM,BAILOUT,-1.

A meteor is hurling towards the earth, threatening the human race...
...PARAM,BAILOUT,-1.

You're arguing with your wife and everything she says leads to a different and obscure outlook. Its obvious the argument is not converging to a solution (or a point for that matter...), so you scream, "PARAM,BAILOUT,-1!!!!" Problem solved.

Evil... EVIL... EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!!!!

We must use this power for good, ladies and gentlemen.

The Legend of Coke Ninja

By now your probably wondering where I got the title of my blog. Well, wonder no more!!!

Stay a while and listen!

[cue smoke machine]

Thousands of years ago, when I was a freshman in college, I exited my Intro to Engineering class with a fellow classmate. We decided our thirst was of a grave nature and set out in search of a beverage... a beverage, mind you, that was fit for consumption. Thus, my friend and I journeyed far into the depths of Technology Hall, hoping to find the legendary oasis which withheld the Keeper of Flavor known as... the Coke machine.

We trekked long into the fetterd darkness, but, eventually, we discovered that ancient of glowing red relics and its kin. [Haaaa, haaa, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.] But, our joy did not last long... For, the machination new of our plans, and did not oblige.

We fed the great red machine the shiny metal slags it so craved, and in exchange the great Keeper of Flavor rewarded us with nine options, each of which would quench our insatiable thirst with a different concoction of flavored goodness. I made my choice, but nothing happened. I chose again, and nothing happened. The machine and his brethren began to laugh heartily. Frustrated, my friend and I began to press random options, hoping for something to be released from the Keeper's hold. But, our efforts were to no avail, as the machine's gauking echoed through the maze of halls. We began to yell in anger as we shook the great contraption in desperation.

Then, a mysterious figure turned the corner to our right. His hair was long and unkept; his face greasy and unshaven. He wore black clothing and carried a heavy pack over his shoulder. He seemed to be meerly passing through when he stopped and gazed upon us and our tricky foe. The man slung his heavy pack from his shoulder in a circular motion to the ground. We expected a great thud from the pack's contact with the ground, but instead it came to an easy landing without a sound. He looked at the infernal machine and said to us, "They have a way about them."

The figure then stared at the Keeper, as if looking for a way around him. Suddenly, he slipped into the small space between the Keeper and its brother... as a ninja would into the night. My friend and I leaned to the right in order to get a glimpse of to where he had dissappeared. As we looked into the darkness, he lept back from the shadows, as fluid as the water of a zen garden fountain, and, with the elegance of a Kung Fu master, twisted his body, spun his arms, sretched out his hand, and touched one of the Keeper's provided options with his wrist. A dark brown elixir then dropped from the machine's grasp.

Startled at his failure, the great Keeper wailed into the night. We grabbed the freed container to partake of its contents. Before we opened it, we turned to thank the mysterious man who had so easily defeated our foe. But, his pack was gone... and he was no where to be found. He had vanished as swiftly as he had appeared.

My classmate and I were changed forever that day. We never saw the man... this... Coke Ninja... ever again. Yet, he still lives in our hearts. We have been forever touched by him.

Coke Ninja... wherever you are... we salute you, and honor your deed with the name of this blog.